*This Post Contains Strong Language
Disappointment can be hard for anyone to deal with, it sucks to look forward to something or to have a feeling of excitement or hope only for things to turn out in a way that feels wrong. I’ve faced a lot of disappointment recently in many things since the end of last year and the beginning of this one. It’s been happening so much I’ve found myself in a state of depression, not as bad as previous depressive states I’ve had but bad enough that I feel things are hopeless and I’m bound to fail. I think it’s my mind’s way of protecting itself from further disappointment (you can’t be disappointed if you never looked forward to something in the first place)
I was on a writing course around Halloween last year that ended up having sessions cancelled for various reasons. It threw off the sense of structure I had with the course and dampened my excitement to complete a writing project. My little hamster has also been unwell and I’ve been back and forth to the vet more times than I can count hoping that a new course of meds will work only for her to become unwell again.
There was a Christmas event I was excited for and booked as a treat for my family, the event turned out to be absolutely shit and I nearly cried because I spent money for something I’d hoped would be amazing only to be left deflated in mood with the thought “is that it?”
It was so bad my family thought it was funny so at least some enjoyment was had. I’ve been ill a few times over the winter period which has meant missing out on things like a Christmas social I’d been looking forward to and not getting any decorating done until last minute. Christmas is a stressful, exciting time with high expectations so disappointment may hit harder at that time of year.
Now recently a shop I volunteer for has been flooded, it’s not my personal shop but I felt really low when I heard about it, I’d just started gaining more responsibilities there and was looking forward to implementing some new ideas I had to help with business now this flood feels like a major setback in my plans.
Not to mention the problems with my home we recently stopped getting hot water as well as a myriad of other problems that have admittedly been there some time but haven’t been able to fix because our money has had to go on other things such as the family car which first broke down so had to be fixed then failed it’s MOT so had to be fixed again and then we got a flat tire so that had to be changed.
All in all it’s been a tiring end to one year and a frustrating start to the new one but, despite the rant I just went on, this post isn’t just a vent one. I wanted to explore the experience of disappointment with BPD to see if anyone else with it has similar experiences with disappointment sending them into depression and why others without the disorder seem to find it easier to move on from it.
Idealisation And Devaluation
Idealisation is when you view something as perfect or better than it is in reality ( think of the phrase “seeing things through rose tinted glasses” or “putting someone on a pedestal”) this is also a part of “Splitting” which is considered a part of BPD where people and situations are separated into categories of bad and good, the person with BPD has difficulty seeing the overlap of these categories so struggles to perceive things in a realistic way.
Everything is either idealised (seen as extremely positive or perfect) or devalued (seen as overwhelmingly negative) this is seen as a contributing factor in a BPD sufferer’s unstable relationships. I myself find that I struggle with this when it comes to new people or situations. I fantasize about the positive possibilities and make myself excited. I go into things feeling optimistic until something happens that I feel is wrong such as plans being cancelled or the events being underwhelming and not at all how I’d hoped they’d be then I’d get really distressed, frustrated and even depressed about the situation.
Expectation Vs Reality
Unfortunately with idealisation comes high expectations whether that be of an event/situation, another person or yourself. Holding the bar so unrealistically high for everything is sure to create disappointment. I find I struggle the most with having high expectations of myself. I have this ideal version of me in my head. A person who spends more time reading rather than scrolling, a person who is more active and productive or simply a person who enjoys life more.
I’ve laid out plans and set goals on how to be that person but I often find myself failing to meet the standards and goals I set for myself. For example I set a goal to take better care of myself starting with brushing my hair everyday since I would only brush my hair when going out leading to a lot of tangles. Two days I lasted with it. Two. Bloody. Days. Before I forgot to do it, procrastinated doing it and then thought “fuck it, I give up” I had this image of who I wanted to be, someone more on top of things and who actually had the energy/motivation to properly look after themself everyday but as soon as I tried, then felt that ideal was unattainable, I lost against myself and my high expectations.
Perfectionism
As you can probably tell by now, I struggle with perfectionism which means to have high standards for yourself and others. I found out a lot of people with BPD struggle with this. In an article I will link at the end it is suggested we struggle with maladaptive perfectionism because of a belief that we need to be perfect in order to be accepted.
This could be linked to our lack of sense of self; we have difficulty understanding who we are and finding our place in the world so we crave acceptance and belonging leading us to act in ways according to what we believe is considered acceptable by others in our environment.
We people please and try to avoid any sort of mistakes because in our minds that would lead to rejection. We also often struggle with low self esteem/worth which may be the result of perfectionism because we are human, we make mistakes and have flaws but to us that means we are unworthy of love and acceptance. We must be perfect and meet our own high standards (which we may also perceive as others’ expectations) or we may spiral into self criticism and punishment. I believe this is why I have never felt good enough and struggle to continue or even start tasks.
External Happiness
People with BPD often struggle with feelings of emptiness and depression which leads us to feel we have to rely on things outside of ourselves to feel happy or whole. This can be a job, a hobby, a relationship or objects we like to collect. I am personally guilty of collecting and buying things that bring short lived happiness. I have hundreds of crystals, books and cuddly toys that, at first, spark joy but then that spark dissipates and I feel low again.
The thing is with relying on external sources of happiness is that we have no control over them, especially people because of free will (not that I’d want to control people) but we can’t rely on someone or something else to be our constant source of happiness because first; that is a lot of pressure to put on someone and second; it’s just not realistic.
As I said people make mistakes and things go wrong in life all the time. You could lose a job or accidentally break an object (my clumsy arse is guilty of this too) which can lead to a sense of profound loss or abandonment. I rely a lot on fantasy worlds usually created by others such as BBC Merlin and, more recently, The Amazing Digital Circus. I feel it is safe to find comfort and joy in fiction because it’s not real and not reciprocal so I can project my ideas and dreams into such stories without worrying about hurting anyone else or getting hurt myself (though the Merlin finale still haunts me over ten years later. I try to pretend it never happened, if you know you know)
Thank you for reading this post. I hope you found it insightful/useful. I usually put tips on how to overcome particular problems but I am not in a solution oriented mindset right now. I just wanted to write to reflect and try to understand where certain thoughts and feelings have been coming from. Below I linked some articles related to BPD, Disappointment, Idealisation/Devaluation and perfectionism a few of them include tips on how to manage such strong feelings and thought patterns I hope you find them helpful.
Thanks again,
Gabby x
Recommended Reading
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/disappointment/
https://www.verywellmind.com/devaluation-and-idealization-in-bpd-425291
https://thewaveclinic.com/blog/why-fault-finding-is-a-feature-of-borderline-personality-disorder/mo
