Trigger Warning: This Post Mentions Self Harm
Surprise! it’s me. I would usually apologize for my long absence… of over a year but I’m going to choose not to do that as it is my blog and any obligation or pressure I’ve felt to just write and say something has been from myself. Don’t get me wrong I have been wanting to write but its just not something I have felt able to physically do if that makes sense. The thought of writing has been there but the activation to actually do it has not and, the problem is, the more pressure I put on myself to do something the more resistance and stress I feel. Besides I tend to write my best when it is unplanned so I am here at 6 am after not being able to sleep (nothing new) and finding the urge to type out a post while my hamster runs around her playpen.
I’ve also been cautious about returning here because of all the emotions and memories tied to this blog for me. It was my space to process thoughts, feelings and events before I had my therapist and, as you can imagine, there was a LOT to process. Checking in on the blog became like picking up one of my old diaries and reliving the emotions and memories I poured into it and now associate it with just by looking at it. You may notice that a lot of posts were deleted from here as well as the design and name of the main page being changed, I thought it might help shift my perspective on my blog and step away from the past associations I had with it. It didn’t help as much as I’d hoped but I decided I would treat this as a new chapter and try to resist the temptation to nose through my old posts. That’s not to say I won’t talk about my past but I need to look at it through my current headspace not any of my past ones I’d get sucked into by reading my material from that time in my life.
Anyway, enough explaining and on to the topic the title suggests this post is about; my therapy sessions ending. My therapy actually ended in June, so it’s been a couple of months but felt I needed that time to assess how things are without the therapy I had for two years. Soon after it had ended things were well, thanks to my therapist I’d learned how to talk to myself in my head because I’ve always had conversations with my self, usually with my inner critic but I found through therapy that I felt more connected to the part of myself that wanted to look after me and a more reasonable side to my personality which was really good considering my inner critic and perfectionism were once so strong I felt I couldn’t do anything right ever. They were still there but their impact was balanced out by the more nurturing and wise parts of my personality.
I found PMS and periods somewhat less intense than usual because I started addressing my emotional needs instead of shutting them down, If I feel the need to cry over some spilled milk I will cry over the damn spilled milk! in all seriousness though, due to bullying, I’d learned to be ashamed of my tears but I found suppressing them led to loads of anger and, because I couldn’t get the emotional release I needed through tears, I turned to self harm. So If I need to cry, I cry. It’s hard to do nowadays though so I have a crying playlist on youtube I listen to when I need the tears to flow. Self care comes in many forms.
Sometime after therapy I’d realized the real problem I’d addressed in those sessions, the cause of my perfectionism, low self esteem and my emotional difficulties was SHAME. After trauma I developed a core of shame that grew bigger over time as more things happened and I wasn’t getting the help I needed. This core of shame impacted everything about me, my posture, how I spoke, how I walked. I was told by my therapist and my mum that there was a big difference in me at the end of therapy from how I was when I’d started. I think it’s because, in therapy, I had a space to talk through everything without being judged or worrying about upsetting anyone and my therapist listened and encouraged me to reflect on everything I’d brought into the session instead of telling me how I should think or feel. That space allowed me to explore who I am and gain more understanding of my life and myself free of influence from others. My therapist also challenged me in healthy ways, she encouraged me to be honest about my feelings even if they were feelings I had toward her like anger. I had once been left in the waiting room because the person who greeted me forgot to tell my therapist I was there. I was actually not very angry at all and understanding of the situation.
I started finding that easier too, considering multiple perspectives. Before therapy I’d grown accustomed to assuming the worst in people and in situations and those thoughts still come by but I can now use other parts of my mind at the same time to challenge a singular perspective and consider multiple possibilities. Like that scene in Inside Out 2 where anxiety is making the mind workers draw scary possible scenarios for Riley to imagine but then Joy comes in and creates optimistic possibilities to explore. I’ve also learned to allow myself to feel different emotions at once. My emotions use to feel so intense I could only address the dominant one, there were no grey areas, just all or nothing in my mind. It meant I could flip flop in mood towards people, I found it hard to process anger at a person’s action and love towards that person together. So anger would go unexpressed out of love or I would turn spiteful and would think in the moment that I hated the person.
I discussed this with my therapist on the topic of my conflicted feelings towards my dad I hated the things he’d done and thought I should hate him but I didn’t and was frustrated about that; we summed it up as I love my dad but I have resentment towards him not hate and it’s okay to hold multiple feelings about one person. I think in anger I could cut off all other emotions like sympathy or regret in order to protect myself against vulnerability in that moment but I learned you can mix anger with emotions like sympathy, it just affects the way your anger is expressed.
For a while I didn’t allow myself to miss people who weren’t in my life anymore or feel regret, I felt I had to hold on to that anger to protect myself from more hurt from that person but, since addressing all the emotions and thoughts I once believed to conflict eachother in a situation, I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel any emotion I feel as it is natural and healthy to go through a full spectrum of emotions. We are not computers thinking in binary 1s and 0s but complex people with a range of emotions that can mix together. Like with the memory balls in the first inside out movie, when affected by more than one emotion the memory ball becomes a mix of the colors associated with those emotions. Side note: You should watch the Inside Out duology, if you haven’t already, it’s really good.
Things have changed a bit more recently though, a few weeks ago I went on holiday with my dad, his partner and my half brother. I found it difficult, as I’d realized a significant portion of my shame stew was served by them over the years. I had noticed before how I felt a lot less emotionally safe with them, especially without my mum around. The vigilance came back as I felt I had to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong to avoid my dad’s temper, his partner’s passive aggressive criticism and my brother just saying what he’s thinking like that I have big arms. Just to be clear I don’t hold it against my brother that he talks to me and others in this way sometimes, he gets it from his overly critical and judgemental parents, most of the time he’s really sweet. He’s the reason I go on these holidays so I can hang out with him more. I could never live with them full time though as they make me feel so self concious.
While away with them I felt the progress I’d made to feel better about myself slip, it didn’t help that I was also on my period, still I spoke up for myself as assertively as I felt I could and showed I would not sit quietly and listen to their judgement. So things could have gone a lot worse. When I came home I’d developed a urine infection basically as soon as my period stopped and, me not wanting to go to the doctor, hoped I could just keep drinking fluids and it would go away on it’s own, it did not. It got to the point I was losing control emotionally so that meant another slip in my progress. I got the infection sorted in urgent care and after the course of antibiotics, my next period started so now I am exhausted in my body and mind
Multiple times I have thought about resetting my progress by self harming but so far I have managed to resist. It’s frustrating after I had been doing so well but I have gotten through worse. I thought I would bring this up to be real because if I said “therapy has cured me, I’m all better now” that would be a lie and an unrealistic example to set. This is a rough patch but I’ve learned from experience they don’t last and I am currently in a position where I’m able to keep my head above water. This is what therapy has been for me, not a cure but an aid that has helped me improve my wellbeing and ability to cope in rough seas.
Thank you for reading this post, I hope you understand if I don’t write again for some time.
Gabby x
