As an emotions educator, I have found that many of us confuse emotions with actions. This misunderstanding can have real consequences—especially in parenting, relationships, and workplaces. Feeling something is not the same as acting on it. And giving ourselves permission to feel is not the same as giving ourselves permission to lash out.
Let me be clear: All emotions are valid. We are pre-wired to feel core emotions like anger, sadness, fear, joy, disgust, and excitement. They arise automatically in response to what’s happening around and within us. There is no such thing as a “bad” emotion—only emotions we haven’t yet learned how to work with in a healthy way.
Where we get into trouble is when we confuse the right to feel with the right to act however we want. For example, it’s okay to feel furious with your child or partner. But it’s not okay to scream, hit, or belittle them. The emotion itself isn’t the problem—the behavior is.
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It’s okay to say, “I feel really angry right now, and I need a few minutes to cool off.”
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It’s okay to cry, even in front of others.
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It’s okay to name emotions out loud: “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or “I’m scared about what might happen.”
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It’s okay to take space, to write, to move your body, to breathe deeply—to let the emotion flow without harming yourself or others.
When we learn to separate emotion from action, we become more emotionally safe people. We model emotional responsibility. And we create room for real connection—because people feel safer around those who can own their feelings without acting them out destructively.
Emotions are data, not directives. They point to needs, values, and experiences that matter to us. But they don’t get to decide our behavior. That’s where choice comes in. That’s where the Change Triangle® helps—by guiding us to pause, feel, reflect, and respond with intention.
