This post is so very late (and believe me, there are posts that are even later than this…) but with the brain fog and chronic fatigue and everything going on over the last eighteen months and change, I never managed to finish it. Until now. I have finally finished it. There are multiple posts over the last couple of years that I have abandoned because I was struggling to finish them and after a while, they didn’t feel relevant anymore. But this trip was so special and brought me so much joy that I wanted to finish and post it, especially since I’m not sure when I’ll be back…
I don’t think I planned this trip particularly well, if I’m completely honest. I ended up with far too much time at the beginning of the trip – when I was really struggling with being away from home and away from Izzy – with not enough to do and then the end was very chaotic, trying to get as many things done as possible before I had to go. So it wasn’t ideal, for my anxiety or my energy levels.
Originally, I’d planned to arrive later and stay later but I’d shifted the trip when I learned that Song Suffragettes was celebrating their ten year anniversary. I’ve only played one Song Suffragettes show myself but I’ve been to many shows over the years, in person and online, and met some amazing people through it so I thought it would be fun to go and celebrate with them; the previous anniversary shows had been a lot of fun with amazing songwriters and special guests. But a couple of weeks after I’d bought the tickets and changed my flight, my friend and one of the original Song Suffragettes, Kalie Shorr, shared her feelings about the event and the organisation on Twitter:
“got an email with a discount code to buy tickets the Song Suffragettes 10 year anniversary show, even though I spent 8 years helping build it and played 300+ (unpaid) shows […] I’ve stayed silent long enough, and I just don’t care anymore. I gave so much of my time, cared so deeply, and have been completely written out of the history even though I had played since the very first show they ever had.”
I was – and still am – appalled at how they’ve treated her and, I imagine, many other young women. I feel especially bad for Kalie (and the other original/early Song Suffragettes who put in so much unpaid work to get this organisation off the ground and build its core fanbase) who had put so much work and time and love into Song Suffragettes for so long. Her photos were still being used (although they’ve since been taken off the website) and videos of her performances are still on their YouTube channel, promoting their shows (one of her videos is their most popular video by far – over a million views compared to less than two hundred thousand) and yet her vital part in their story has been deliberately omitted. The event (and, of course, the whole organisation) was instantly soured and I spent a long time deciding what to do, whether to go to the event or not. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have gone but having bought the tickets and rescheduled my flight to go, I felt that I couldn’t just skip it. And part of me was curious to see how they’d handle the event. So I decided that I would go and then personally (and publicly) say goodbye to the organisation.
My Mum and I flew out to Nashville early in the morning after a long day recording drums for the EP that I’m now, in 2025, in the middle of promoting and releasing. I was exhausted and I hate flying – I find it to be a sensory nightmare – but we got there safe and sound and settled into our accommodation. The Song Suffragettes show was the next night and I immediately noticed how different the vibe was from the previous anniversary shows I’d been able to attend. I feel confident in my assumption that the majority of attendees were there to see the ‘special guest,’ Wynonna Judd. I don’t emphasise the term special guest to undermine the impact Wynonna Judd has had on the music industry: she is a very impressive guest but rather than rounds of Song Suffragettes with a special guest or two, as had been the case at previous anniversary shows, this show was basically all special guests. They’d invited Liz Rose, Laura Veltz, Maddie & Tae, and Tenille Arts to name just a few; there were very few actual Song Suffragettes and no mention of the original and early performers who had worked so incredibly hard to make Song Suffragettes what it is today. That pissed me off. What was supposed to be a celebration of the organisation, ten years of achievements, and the women who’ve performed on their stages felt like it had very little to do with any of those things. It felt like a Wynonna Judd tribute night with the actual Wynonna Judd headlining, plus what I found to be a pretty uncomfortable amount of fawning over Todd Cassetty, the founder of Song Suffragettes. (I have more thoughts about that and about Song Suffragettes but that’s not the point of this post.)
The tenth anniversary celebration of @songsuffragettes was packed full of incredible female songwriters and artists 💛 The performances were amazing and I’m grateful to have been given the opportunity to see these women play live but I was more than a little sad not to see more of a nod to the organisation’s history and the women who were and still are so fundamental to what it has become. I would’ve loved to see more of these women, such as the brilliant @kalieshorr, at least mentioned for the amount of passion and work they’ve put into the shows over the years. My best wishes to Song Suffragettes and to every individual Song Suffragette – here’s to another decade of successes 💛💛💛 (x)
I struggled with how to caption my post about the event – how to acknowledge what it has given me and a lot of young women, how to share my disappointment in how the original members (particularly Kalie – yes, I keep mentioning her but she’s a friend so, of course, I’m going to be firmly in her corner) had been treated, and how to say goodbye to Song Suffragettes, even if that part was just for me). This was what I came up with. I wasn’t completely sure about it but felt it was the best my jetlagged brain could come up with. Apparently it was good enough though, since Kalie shared it on Instagram with her thanks for calling out the rewriting of Song Suffragettes’ history; that reassured me of my desire to say something publicly.
Had that been a more positive experience, I think I would’ve felt (and functioned) better during the less structured days before the festival and my various plans started. My mental health had already been in a downward spiral before I left and that unallocated time only made it worse: my depression and anxiety were really awful and I had multiple very distressing meltdowns. I also found it much harder to adjust than I have in the past: my sensory difficulties, for example, were much worse than usual and the differences between home and Nashville felt so amplified that I felt constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. By the end of the trip, I was so overstimulated by the BEDSHEETS that I was sleeping on the sofa (which wasn’t much better, to be honest – another night and I probably would’ve been sleeping on the floor).
But having said all of that, I’d been so busy in the weeks leading up to the flight out – meetings, meltdowns, concerts, therapy, migraines, recording sessions, and more – that it was probably good to have some recovery time before jumping into Tin Pan South and all of my other plans. My Mum and I spent the days resting and doing some of our favourite Nashville things, all of which were wonderfully gentle and joyful…
- The Pancake Pantry – As I’ve repeatedly talked about on this blog, I have immense trouble with eating in public places (and eating in general) but I love The Pancake Pantry in Nashville. There are multiple dishes that I not only can eat but actually really enjoy eating, especially their Chocolate Sin pancakes (pictured below). And since I (obviously) rarely get the opportunity to have them, we always make sure to go multiple times and I only enjoy them more every time.
- The Candle Bar – One of my favourite Nashville traditions is to go to The Candle Bar, where you can make your own candles: you choose the container, the scent, and then mix it with the wax. They do the last step of setting it. Before my first visit, I’d never found a candle that I could tolerate but I fell in love with their Pink Pepper Grapefruit scent (at some point, it became an ‘autumn scent’ and it wasn’t an available choice at the time of our trips but we’d explain my sensitivity and how far we’ve travelled and they’ve always been kind enough to get it out for us, which I so appreciate – I love it and find it really helpful when I’m having an anxious day). On this trip, I also discovered their Mandarin Mango scent and fell in love with that too; we ended up treating ourselves and going twice. It was a struggle to get them home since they’re not exactly light but I’m so grateful we came back with double our usual number of candles, given that I’m not sure when I’ll be back.
- Chocolate Brownie at The Commodore Grille – Almost as much as I love the Chocolate Sin pancakes, I LOVE the chocolate brownie at The Commodore Grille (again, pictured below). They’re incredible, with ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. if I wasn’t supposedly a responsible grown up, I could live on these brownies, as well as the pancakes, of course.
(Left: Chocolate Sin pancakes and hash browns at The Pancake Pantry // Middle: me, making my candle // Right: the chocolate brownie at The Commodore Grille)
I also did some gentle songwriting: I didn’t push myself too hard though; it was just for fun and decompression and continuing to work out my feelings about the still very recent, very traumatic ending of my time at therapy. I spent a lot of my ‘rest time’ (the irony of this does not escape me – I’m also very aware of how reflective of my resting skills this is) writing up what had happened for a blog post, getting the experience out of my system and into a format that made it feel (a little bit) easier to engage with. I also managed to sign into one of my favourite poetry group’s workshops and ended up writing a poem so raw that I wasn’t actually able to read it aloud during the sharing section at the end of the session. So my feelings were all very close to the surface; I felt really vulnerable, emotionally, which in some ways made the difficult feelings of the trip harder but it also felt like I was really open and receptive to all of the positive ones. It was messy but, given the super special moments of the trip, I wouldn’t change a thing (I mean, I always wish I could see more of my favourite people but I feel incredibly grateful to have gotten the time that I did).
The other non-music part of the trip that I still think about with great fondness were the multiple storms we got to experience. I’m sure some people will read that with confusion and/or bemusement but I LOVE thunderstorms: I love the change in air pressure; I love the colours of the clouds and peaks at the sky; I love the power of the thunder and the lightning, both such tremendous, breath-taking forces of nature; and I love the heavy, wet rain. While it’s a joke as old as time that English weather is made up of rain, rain, and more rain, the rain in Nashville is nothing like English rain. The rain where I live is mostly just annoying but the storms in Nashville (and I mean storms, not tornados) make me feel so amazingly alive and like my body could explode with joy. Each time the skies opened, I went sprinting outside; I felt a boost in my mood and mental health/stability every time I felt a storm brewing.
(Left: Me in the rain // Right: Me in the torrential rain)
I also got to hang out and catch up with Caylan, my oldest friend in Nashville: we met on my first full day in Nashville, during my first visit in 2016, and we’ve been friends ever since. She’s truly lovely (with a very cute dog that I’ve watched grow from a little pup) and an amazing singer and songwriter. It was actually during that first trip that we wrote the first draft of a song on my upcoming EP, as well as a song that I cannot wait to release someday. We got to catch up with each other’s lives, enthuse about each other’s music, and even fit in a trip to Pancake Pantry together; it’s always such a joy to see her.
For the first time in all of my trips to Nashville, I didn’t actually attend many Tin Pan South shows. That had been my plan but then, before the schedule was announced, I found out that one of friends, Candi Carpenter, was releasing their debut album during that week and would be having a release show and party. The fact that, somehow, I was actually going to be in Nashville when that happened felt like a gift from the universe and there was no way I was going to miss that. And then, not long after, I found out that one of my other friends, Kalie (who I mentioned above and through whom I’d met Candi) would be flying into Nashville for Candi’s show and would also be playing a writers’ round while in town. I wasn’t going to miss that either. As much as I love Tin Pin South, getting the rare chance to see my incredible friends perform was always going to be my priority.
The actual week of Tin Pan South was incredibly busy and incredibly stressful, trying to organise everything and make sure I’d be able to be everywhere I needed to be when I needed to be there; it was a logistical headache but it was worth it since I got to see everybody I’d hoped to see. First up was Kalie’s songwriters’ round. There were multiple rounds and a lot of really great songwriters and artists but Kalie is so unique: her journey, her career, her lyrical voice, the stories she tells… She really stood out; she always does (and I think that’s why she and Candi write together so well and made such great co-headline acts on tour – because they’re both so unlike anyone else and embrace that so intentionally). The first song she played was called ‘Man In Your Songs.’ She’s posted snippets of it on social media so it was really cool to finally hear the whole song. Next was ‘Running At Night,’ which she’s been playing a lot lately on social media and on livestreams; I think she’d recently finished it and was really proud of it (and rightly so). She announced that she was officially working on her second album; her debut, Open Book, remains one of my all time favourite albums and the unreleased stuff she’s been sharing has been so good so that’s very exciting news! Her final song was ‘Dirty Movies,’ which I’d actually heard before, when she’d played at Bush Hall in London on the Song Suffragettes UK Tour in October 2022. It’s more explicit than the music she’s already released and she’s definitely testing boundaries that she was held to previously, both by being signed and by being known as a Country artist. There were a few lyrics that were a bit too explicit for me but regardless of that, it’s still a very cleverly written song. I don’t think that three songs can an album reflect, especially so early in the process, but the growth and evolution in both her writing and the emotional concepts of the songs are obvious. As I said, I will always love Open Book but her second album is no doubt going to be just as bold and unique and visceral.
It was such a treat to see her perform (one day I will see her perform her show, goddamn it) and we even got to hug and catch up briefly afterwards, which was lovely. We were also able to hang out – and fangirl – together at Candi’s release show and afterparty, as well as managing to slot in a coffee and a catch up before I flew home and Kalie, a few days later, flew back to Nashville.
(Kalie Shorr performing at Live Oak, Music Row)
The following night was Candi’s release show and party for Demonology. The album had come out earlier in the week and I’d had it on repeat; it’s an incredible album. Back in June 2023, Candi had released Demonology – Part 1 as an EP and so I’d been expecting (and semi-patiently waiting for) a Part 2 EP but then Candi announced that the project was being released as a full album so that was very exciting! The ‘new’ songs are fantastic and fit so well with the ‘old’ songs; it’s an album that really feels like a tapestry that Candi has carefully woven to give the listener a full and intricately detailed glimpse into their life. It’s a really beautiful album with songs that span the emotional spectrum, from gut-wrenching anger and grief and vulnerability to joyful silliness, to biting self-awareness, and existential relief. I love every single song on it but I think my absolute favourites have to be ‘Exorcist,’ ‘Antisocial Butterfly,’ ‘Skinny,’ ‘Serial Killer,’ ‘Nervous System,’ ‘Back From the Dead,’ and ‘Memento Mori.’ That’s more than half of the album and even that was hard to narrow down… Listen to it: you won’t be disappointed.
For the show, there was the fun challenge of dressing up as one of the tracks but since the album didn’t come out until I was already in Nashville and I do not love shopping there, plus I had suitcase space to consider, I had to go minimal: I found a T-shirt online that said ‘ALL OF MY SYSTEMS ARE NERVOUS’ as an homage to ‘Nervous System,’ and that was good enough for me. But there were some super creative costumes – the album is (incidentally or intentionally) full of excellent imagery to take inspiration from. Having got lost on the way to the venue, the space was absolutely packed and the support act, Mel Bryant & the Mercy Makers, were already on. Candi was right there at the entrance and the chaotic crowd around them was somewhere between a meet and greet and a friends and family reunion; it was a lovely vibe. As soon as they saw me, they swept me into a huge hug and we were joyfully rambling at each other about the album and how excited we were. We also took lots of pictures and Candi signed the album poster I bought with the loveliest message (getting it home safely was a challenge but we managed it). It was a super emotional night and that was just the beginning.
I had to wedge myself in along a wall to fit into the main venue – I literally couldn’t crouch down to pick up my drink from the floor, space was that tight. But even though I’d missed part of their set, Mel Bryant & the Mercy Makers were awesome and I am now a dedicated follower. Mel has an incredible voice, the whole band had such a gorgeous sound, and I just fell in love with the songs: the melodies were stunning and super catchy and the lyrics were so vivid and poignant. My favourite was ‘Wildflower’ and I downloaded the rest of their music as soon as I got home that night.
(Left: Mel Bryant & the Mercy Makers, opening for Candi Carpenter’s Demonology Release Show at The Basement // Right: Candi Carpenter performing at their Demonology Release Show at The Basement)
Candi was incredible. Given the chaos and stress of release week, I wouldn’t have been overly surprised if the show had been a little rough around the edges but oh my god, it was fantastic. I can honestly say that it was probably the best live show I’ve ever seen and I still stand by that, having seen The ERAS Tour (although, of course, they’re very different animals). But the show was just SO GOOD: Candi, joined by Amanda McCoy on electric guitar and backing vocals (plus Kalie on the backing vocals for ‘Cult’ as well, one of the songs that she cowrote), is an amazing performer, with the perfect amounts of seasoned professional and emotional human being (they were trying not to cry after just the first song, as were many of us, I think – I certainly was); the songs were even more powerful live; not unlike the visualiser for ‘Strawberry Starburst,’ the performance featured a dancing pink Power Ranger who threw strawberry starburst sweets into the audience, which was hilarious; everyone knew all of the words and was singing (and sometimes screaming) along so loudly and I had great fun fangirling over Candi with Kalie (it is, after all, not that often that we are all in the same location and able to do that); everyone knowing the words to the bridge of ‘Nervous System’ (if you know, you know), which momentarily blew Candi’s mind; the lovely onstage chemistry between Candi and Amanda and the super special connection in the room, like we were all connected, to Candi and to each other; the emotional exorcism of screaming ‘Nervous System’ with joy to ‘Back From the Dead’ with fury to ‘Everybody Goes to Hell’ with peace; ‘Memento Mori’ was the perfect finale, the final lyric of the show being “I don’t wanna be another sad story.” It was just incredible and I think I went through every emotion at one point or another; it was so fucking special. By the end, Candi was so overwhelmed and emotional – in the best way – that they let themselves just collapse on the ground and lie there for a moment before getting up to address everyone one more time; then practically the whole crowd descended to hug them but we had to pack up and get out so the late show could start. A big group of us headed over to The Countrypolitan for the afterparty, which was more of a social gathering than a traditional afterparty: we got to chat (someone of us having never met in real life and only ever talked online) and hang out and hype Candi whenever they were in earshot… It was all just so joyful. I got to see a bit more of Kalie, which was really nice, given how rarely I get to see her, and I met so many lovely people.
(Left: Candi Carpenter performing at their Demonology Release Show at The Basement // Right: Candi and I at the afterparty at The Countrypolitan)
As the space cleared out, we spread out and Candi ended up playing a few more songs acoustically, including ‘Skinny’ and a stunning cover of ‘Hallelujah.’ They were such moving performances that I was welling up all over again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Candi is such a special human being and I feel so lucky to have met them and to have them as a friend. Writing about this show is making me emotional all over again. Excuse me while I go and watch the video I made of some of my favourite moments…
I actually got to see Candi play live AGAIN before I left, which was awesome; they texted me and asked if I wanted to come to a set they were playing at a hotel and, of course, I said yes. I so rarely get to see Candi play – see Candi at all – that I wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to see them again (and sit right at the front, fangirling my little heart out). They were understandably tired from a very intense release week but they still put on an incredible show, taking cover requests from the audience and performing them beautifully with a gorgeous Candi Carpenter twist. It was a long show but Candi was brilliant and I loved every second of it. I helped pack up at the end and then Candi’s partner dropped me back on their way home, which I very much appreciated; it was really nice to see him again as well. Candi and I had hoped to meet up and just chill before I flew home but with everything that had been going on, I completely understood when they said that they were feeling really burned out and just needed to rest. I was obviously sad not to see them but we made plans to catch up over a video call once I was home and Candi had recovered somewhat. I’m so glad I got to see them as much as I did, that I got to be there for the release and celebration of Demonology; that truly felt like something that was meant to be and I’ll never forget it.
Even getting to see my friends perform so much in such a short trip, I did manage to get to a few Tin Pan South shows, which I was really pleased about. I got to see Brittany Spencer, Jordyn Shellhart, Lori McKenna, Barry Dean, Jillian Jacqueline, Kara DioGuardi, Jeff Cohen, and GAYLE (we actually all but collided after the show ended and had a very passionate discussion about hair dye), to name just a few. I also got to see Ingrid Andress again, which is always really special because I’ve been following her since before she even put her first single out; I actually discovered her at Tin Pan South and have seen her almost every time she’s come to the UK since.
The last thing of note was that I got to do a photoshoot with Caitlin Gore, also known as Katie Mac Photography. I’d found her on TikTok when searching for autistic photographers to work with on my current music project. I thought it was probably unlikely that we’d work on the project artwork, even if we were able to work together while I was in Nashville, but I was really excited to try because I really love her work. We were in fact able to work together, despite a few stressful scheduling hiccups, and I love so many of the images we created…
Photos by Katie Mac Photography (x)
Prior to this, I’d only ever done photoshoots with people that I already knew so I knew I was going to be anxious and that it was probably going to feel weird, plus I’ve been really, really struggling with my appearance; my body image issues have gone from background noise to siren level piercing. I’d also never worked with an autistic photographer and I had no idea if or how that might affect the creative dynamic, if the vision we’d discussed for the shoot was something we were going to be able to capture to both of our satisfaction. I’m sure I was thinking much too hard about it but that is what I tend to do when I’m anxious about something: it’s like, if I can think through all of the variables, then nothing can surprise me and I can achieve the desired outcome… Anyway. Given all of the anxiety beforehand (around the booking and scheduling and planning, etc), I was very anxious when I arrived. The guy who owned the studio was lovely though: he gave us a tour and let me sit with his dog until Caitlin arrived. That did help a bit.
We didn’t have a whole lot of time – I was very constrained by budget – but we got quite a lot done and of the photos Caitlin sent me afterwards, I really liked most of them (and like them more and more over time). It helped that she was very clear, explaining what she was doing at all times and giving me instructions so that I knew what she needed from me. It was a real learning curve for me in terms of learning how to communicate in that scenario and so I got a lot more out of the session than just the photo. For example, while I love the photos in the first of two outfits against the white background, I wish we’d gotten to spend more time with the second outfit against the black background, especially with the red veil. Despite that being an idea we’d talked about quite a lot, we only got it out right at the end – something I would now ask for earlier if we were to do the session over again – so we didn’t have much time to experiment with it. I love the photos we got but I would’ve loved to get more, maybe with different colours and with different facial expressions and so on. So I got some great photos and learned SO MUCH. So it was definitely a success, even if I wasn’t as relaxed as I would have liked to be. I would absolutely recommend her as a photographer if you’re in Nashville and I’d love to work with her again whenever I next get back to Nashville. There was another space that we were both really excited about but I just couldn’t afford it this time with such short notice. But who knows what the future holds…
And that was the trip, if a little out of order and all over the place. I had some of the best experiences I’ve ever had there but it was also really, really hard so, as usual, it was a real mix emotionally but all of the good was so good that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The flight home was good, as flights go. There was a bit of a crisis about getting a coach home but eventually we were on the last leg of the journey. I was feeling absolutely terrible, seconds away from a meltdown – as I usually do by that point on the way home – but we made it home without a disaster. My little Izzy was delighted to see us and I was delighted to see her; we spent the remainder of that day snuggled up together. I was completely exhausted and although it had been (for the most part) an amazing trip, I was very relieved to be home.
With the cost of releasing new music this year, I just couldn’t afford to make the trip and, with the way that Trump is terrorising the US, I wasn’t exactly keen on being a tourist there. When I was visiting last year, I said to my Mum, “What do you think it will be like next year? If Trump gets in?” It was a theoretical question then, a thought experiment, because I couldn’t imagine Trump getting in again and I certainly never could’ve imagined that everything that’s happening in the world right now would be happening. I worry for my friends everyday and I find it hard being so far away from them, being so unable to support them in any real way. With all of the horrifying things I see on social media, I’m so grateful that, so far, they’re all safe. And while I can’t help but worry when I see them at protests, I am so proud of them for staying true and authentic to who they are regardless of the outside pressure, for standing up for what they believe in, for using their privilege to support others, for the strength that keeps them pushing for a better world despite what often feels like impossible odds; I’m so proud to call them my friends.
There was a lot of tough stuff and a lot of overwhelmingly hard emotions to wade through but I was and am so grateful for this trip, for all of the wonderful moments and all of the wonderful time I spent with my wonderful friends, so if it’s my last trip there for a while, it could not have been a better one. It was so incredibly special and I’ll never forget it.
