I’ve had several clients who have struggled with a fear of abandonment, and as someone who’s been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and knows they have attachment issues, this topic seemed relevant. I hope this comprehensive article helps people overcome their fear of abandonment and loss.
What Is A Fear Of Abandonment?
What is often called “abandonment issues” is a lazy way of referring to the strong fear someone can have over losing someone (Villines, 2023), whether literally through death or leaving them in some other form.
Also, no one likes to experience rejection, but rejection is a part of life, and most of us will experience it in one form or another. But because this form of social exclusion stimulates parts of our brain related to physical pain (Palihawadana, Broadbear, and Rao, 2019), the pain is very real to us.
This fear of abandonment can become so great that it becomes debilitating to the person experiencing it, often resulting in anxiety about their loved one’s leaving them, physically or emotionally. We’ve probably all experienced a low-level version of this in one or more of our relationships. While it’s normal to have occasional insecurities in relationships, this fear is persistent and can significantly impact a person’s life and relationships.
Simply put, the fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety when someone is potentially faced with the idea of losing someone they care about (Holland and Cherney, 2025), whether real or imagined.
What Can Cause A Fear Of Abandonment To Develop
A fear of abandonment can come from many places, such as trauma, anxiety, and other mental health conditions (Villines, 2023), or some kind of loss, abuse, or unmet needs (Holland and Cherney, 2025). Let’s not forget experiences like infidelity or a sudden and upsetting breakup.
Of course, childhood trauma is often the big one. Experiences like neglect, abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), inconsistent caregiving, or the loss of a primary caregiver (due to death, divorce, or illness) can instil a belief that people can’t be trusted to stay. For me, it was being neglected at home and racial abuse with my peers, creating a perfect storm. Early trauma/abuse is also a risk factor for BPD (Villines, 2023).
With divorce and the development of a fear of abandonment in children, a study was conducted by Wolchik, Tein, Sandler, and Doyle (2002), who looked into this connection. Using a sample of 216 children who had experienced parental divorce in the last two years, the study found that divorce caused threats to the children’s sense of belonging and security. This also supported prior research on the topic.
However, it should be noted that there is no guarantee that children of divorce will develop a fear of abandonment. With the right support through this process, this can be mitigated.
The role of neglect in the development of a fear of abandonment is also supported by Holland and Cherney (2025). They state that those who experience abuse in the form of neglect, especially during childhood, are more likely to develop this fear.
As I’ve already said, another common cause of a fear of abandonment is the death or loss of a loved one. Losing someone important, especially unexpectedly, can lead to a lasting apprehension of future loss, especially if a lot of loss happens in a short space of time.
It might be surprising to hear, but unmet emotional needs can cause a fear of abandonment. Feeling unheard, unseen, or unappreciated, particularly in crucial caregiving relationships or romantic partnerships, can really affect us. This is a form of abuse after all.
Unhealthy or unstable relationship patterns can also lead to the development of a fear of abandonment (abusive cycle), as can a lack of healthy attachments during childhood (Villines, 2023).
According to Zerubavel, Messman-Moore, DiLillo, and Gratz (2018), 1/3 of women in America have experienced physical or sexual intimate partner violence. Such experiences can lead to a range of mental health issues, not to mention the physical injuries this can also cause. Paradoxically, such experiences can lead to stronger attachment bonds, as is the insidious nature of domestic abuse.
This often comes about because of the abusive cycle, whereby abuse happens in a cycle: the building up leading to abuse, the episode of abuse, the reconciliation, and then the honeymoon phase, before the cycle repeats. This is a form of trauma bonding (Zerubavel, Messman-Moore, DiLillo, and Gratz, 2018).
Abusers are very good at making us believe that we’re the problem, and not them, and this can lead to a fear of abandonment. We’ll try to make things work, even though we’re walking on eggshells, because we feel that if we get it right, the abuse will stop.
That said, sexual abuse can also lead to trust issues developing (Cohen, 2024), and thus, a fear of abandonment can develop. Such trust issues can also develop in other ways. When I was bullied because of the colour of my skin, people I thought were my friends would often make comments behind my back. This made it very hard to trust anyone and contributed to the development of my BPD.
Whatever the cause of the development of a fear of abandonment, this will affect a person’s future relationships (Villines, 2023). Hence, this article.
What Does Fear Of Abandonment Look Like?
Poor communication
People who have a fear of abandonment may develop harmful communication techniques to ease their anxiety of being abandoned (Villines, 2023). This can manifest in unhealthy behaviours, such as attention-seeking and a need for validation.
Separation
Struggling to be away from the people we care about, especially our partners, due to intense feelings of separation anxiety (Fritscher, 2024).
Fear of intimacy and commitment
A reluctance to form deep connections to avoid the potential pain of being left. This can also manifest in having numerous superficial relationships. The fear of intimacy can lead us to seek a reason to leave a relationship before the other person can (Holland and Cherney, 2025).
This fear of abandonment can also take on its own form in some cases, becoming philophobia. This is a fear of loving or becoming emotionally attached to someone else (Newport Institute, 2025). As a result, we may have very few long-term relationships (Fritscher, 2024).
Anxiety
A person might experience intense anxiety about being alone or being without a partner. They’ll have a deep dread of solitude and a constant need for reassurance from others.
Trust issues
There will be difficulty in trusting people. Thus, a person will experience a pervasive suspicion that others will eventually leave or betray them, or that they’re just being used.
Criticism
Often, hypersensitivity to criticism or perceived slights can develop. This will mean that small disagreements or changes in behaviour can be interpreted as signs of impending abandonment. This can often lead to unhelpful behaviours in response.
Being clingy
Being clingy or having an excessive need for reassurance, such as seeking constant validation and attention from those around us. People may also cling to unhealthy relationships despite a desire to leave because the fear of being alone is so powerful (Holland and Cherney, 2025).
This can also lead to seeking relationships so we can demand emotional guarantees or regularly urge our loved ones to make reassuring statements (Holland and Cherney, 2025). Ironically, we often won’t believe these statements as our maladapted core beliefs convince us they’re lying.
Jealousy
A common behaviour is often feeling jealous of everyone else (Fritscher, 2024). There is also the other issue of jealousy and retroactive jealousy, whereby we can’t stop worrying about our partner’s cheating even when we have no reason to.
People-pleasing
If we find ourselves going to great lengths to avoid rejection, often at the expense of our own needs or pretending to be a part of the joke, then this could be a sign of a fear of abandonment. This was something I struggled with, and it took me a while to get over my people-pleasing tendencies.
Low self-esteem
If we have low self-esteem and experience feelings of unworthiness, or believe we’re not lovable or good enough to keep people in our lives, then we need to work on our core beliefs. This is also a sign of having a fear of abandonment.
Unlovable
A general feeling of not being good enough or being unlovable is common (Fritscher, 2024). Even when in a relationship, a person can feel this strongly to their core.
Self-sabotaging
When we fear losing people, we may find ourselves unconsciously pushing people away or creating conflict in relationships, thereby fulfilling their own fears. For example, a lot of people can struggle being with a partner who’s in constant need of validation and their time, yet we demand it anyway.
Furthermore, some people may actively sabotage their own relationships so they can be the person who pushes the other away, rather than feel hurt by them leaving of their own accord (Holland and Cherney, 2025).
Over-analysing
If we find ourselves over-analysing interactions, constantly looking for signs of rejection or abandonment in conversations and actions, then we’re going to grow sick with worry and anxiety. This can then lead to us pushing the other person away to make that stop.
Expressing needs
If we fear that expressing our needs will drive others away, then that can be a sign of a fear of abandonment, an unhealthy relationship (i.e. potentially abusive), or a combination of both.
Emotional instability
If we are experiencing intense and fluctuating emotions, particularly anxiety and distress, then this could be a sign of having a fear of losing others, and a strong sign of BPD.
Sex
A less talked-about behaviour is engaging in unwanted sex, which is more common in women (Fritscher, 2024). There’s often a belief that if they don’t, their partner or people they’re interested in will leave them or at least lose interest in them.
Fear Of Abandonment In BPD
As I’ve said already, fear of abandonment is widely recognised as a core criterion in BPD, which is based on an early insecure attachment (Palihawadana, Broadbear, and Rao, 2019). This can lead to even more unhealthy behaviours as a way to manage the fear of being abandoned. It can lead to self-harming threats, even threats to end one’s life.
Even things like a therapy session being cancelled can be interpreted as abandonment (Palihawadana, Broadbear, and Rao, 2019). It’s like the fear goes all the way to 11 with BPD.
How To Cope With Fear Of Abandonment
Interpertation
How we perceive and interpret situations and experiences has a significant effect on how we feel and respond to those things. Our intense feelings of pain that being rejected or abandoned can make us feel are, in part, down to our cognitive biases (Palihawadana, Broadbear, and Rao, 2019).
Therefore, working on our core beliefs and challenging our thoughts and cognitive biases can help us to overcome our fear of loss and rejection. Challenging exercises like thoughts on trial, reframing, and cognitive reappraisal (silver lining) can be great here.
Develop emotional autonomy
Learn to find joy and satisfaction in activities alone, reducing our reliance on others for our happiness. At the end of the day, it’s only our own happiness that we can be responsible for. When we can be happy with our own company, enjoying our personal space, that’s freedom.
Inner child work
Regardless of our age, we all have an inner child, one that holds all our childhood feelings and memories. Having a conversation with that part of ourselves or writing a letter to that version of ourselves can be transformative for us in the present (Newport Institute, 2025). Use this approach to tell that inner child all the things we didn’t get to hear.
Why not go further and embrace that inner child by engaging in some playfulness as well? If we always wanted Lego or Warhammer sets but never got any as kids. Guess what, we’re adults now, and we can buy it for ourselves.
Pay attention
Practice noticing our anxious or self-critical thoughts when they pop up (Villines, 2023). Helping them come into the spotlight can help us tackle those thoughts, either through thought challenges or self-compassion.
Activities
To help build trust, improve confidence, and learning to work with others, try activities that help build confidence outside of relationships, such as creative hobbies and sports (Villines, 2023).
Healthy boundaries
We all need boundaries, no matter who we are, even if it’s only learning to say “no” and protect our time and energy, and communicating our limits to others.
Acknowledge
Instead of fighting the feeling, acknowledge it and accept it for what it is. Say to ourselves, “I am feeling intense fear of abandonment right now. This is a powerful emotion, and it’s okay to feel it”. This simple act can reduce its power.
Build trust gradually
Trust isn’t something you can build in a day. Instead, focus on developing trust in relationships through consistent, reliable interactions, rather than expecting immediate, absolute trust.
Our needs
It’s time to start prioritising our own needs. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not selfish to focus on your own needs from time to time. Therefore, shift our focus from constantly pleasing others to meeting our own basic emotional and physical needs. This builds self-reliance and demonstrates that we can care for ourselves.
Cultivate a sense of belonging
It’s not all about treating the fear itself, but also about building a feeling of belonging (Fritscher, 2024). Therefore, instead of focusing all your time, energy, and devotion on a single partner, focus on building a social support network.
One way to start doing this might be to join a support group. This would allow us to connect with others who share similar experiences, which can reduce feelings of isolation and provide validation, plus provide practical coping strategies.
Behavioural experiments
If possible, we could try gradually exposing ourselves to situations that trigger our fear. For example, spending time alone and our partner being temporarily unavailable in a controlled way. This will help to challenge our predictions and build new experiences.
Cutting ourselves slack
I don’t mean the work messaging app Slack, but rather to cut ourselves some slack (Pietrangelo, 2019). We’re our own worst critics. Distance ourselves from the harsh self-judgment, and remind ourselves of all our positive qualities that make us a good person, a friend, and a good partner. With that in mind, a good place to start might be to list our strengths and qualities.
Building self-esteem and self-worth
Our self-esteem and self-worth often play a role in our fear of losing people. Therefore, focusing on developing a strong sense of self-worth independent of external validation can be a great strategy. We can start by identifying our strengths, accomplishments, and other positive qualities. Couple that with practising self-compassion and challenging self-criticism, and you’ve got a good one-two punch strategy.
Improve communication
Open and honest communication is a sign of a healthy relationship. If we struggle with a fear of losing the people we care about, it can help the relationship by communicating with them so they understand our behaviours.
Practising clear “I” statements to express our feelings and needs without blaming others can also be helpful. However, be mindful that this can, in rare cases, still trigger a defensive response in others, as it’s about how you use “I” statements. Like everything, it’s how we say something that makes a big difference.
Choose wisely
Seek out relationships with people who are generally reliable, communicative, and respectful. Having a good understanding of relationship green and red flags can help with this.
Journaling
Maintaining a journal of our thoughts can help us identify situations that trigger our fears (Gupta, 2023). Being aware of our triggers is the first step toward changing our reactions. This helps with challenging our thoughts and assumptions.
Emotion regulation
Learning to identify, understand, and manage intense emotions without resorting to destructive behaviours is life-changing. An easy way to start this is to journal about what we’re feeling. Our feelings are valid, but at the same time, our feelings aren’t facts. Journaling about our feelings can help us understand them and ourselves better.
Explores past experiences
Explore unconscious conflicts and past experiences, particularly early childhood relationships with primary caregivers, to understand the deep-rooted origins of our fear of abandonment. Look to gain insight into how these early experiences influence our current thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in relationships. This too can be a good journaling activity.
Grounding techniques
Using mindfulness and grounding exercises to stay present and manage overwhelming anxiety when it arises can help us to self-soothe before our unhelpful behaviours kick in.
Challenge thoughts
Learn to recognise and reframe automatic negative thoughts and core beliefs related to abandonment, such as “I’m unlovable,” “Everyone leaves me,” and “I’m not good enough”. Challenge “Always” and “Never”: If your thoughts are “They always leave me” or “I’ll never be loved”, consciously reframe them to “In the past, I’ve felt abandoned, but not everyone leaves”.
Another thing to try is to ask ourselves if this is a real threat or a feeling from the past. Is there concrete evidence that I am being abandoned right now, or is this feeling connected to past experiences or anxieties?
Distress tolerance
The distress we feel will pass, but we’re so used to wanting to avoid that discomfort that we don’t allow ourselves that time. Therefore, work on developing skills to cope with difficult emotions and situations in the moment without making things worse. Breathing exercises could be used here to help us calm down so we can think more clearly, rather than just reacting.
Practice “object constancy”
Try using object constancy, which is a psychological concept where you can maintain a positive emotional connection to someone even when they are not physically present or when there’s a minor disagreement (Matejko, 2022). Practice reminding yourselves that a person still cares about us even if they are busy, distant for a short time, or if you’ve had a minor falling out.
Challenging people-pleasing tendencies
Identify what people-pleasing tendencies we have and then work on reducing the tendency. For example, if we constantly seek approval, then we should work on reducing that need by seeking internal validation. If we avoid conflicts by sacrificing our own needs, then we should try to stop ourselves from doing that, as our needs matter as much as anyone else’s.
Seek professional help
A mental health professional, such as a therapist or counsellor, can help us understand the origins of our fear, process past traumas, develop healthier coping strategies, and learn to form secure attachments. If the fear of abandonment is significantly impacting a romantic relationship, couples therapy can help everyone in that relationship.
What Others Can Do
Support and validation
As they need validation, validating the person’s feelings and experiences, even when their fears seem irrational, can help build trust and understanding. This kind of validation means you acknowledge their feelings and fears without judgment (Holland and Cherney, 2025).
However, remember there’s a difference between validating their feelings and fears, and putting their need for validation above our own needs. This needs an example so I can get my meaning across. So, for example, understanding and validating their past and their need for frequent communication by messages is different from accepting that this is something that needs to be done. Otherwise, they won’t improve.
Work out a realistic and achievable way to do this, and explore how, if we forget to send a message, that doesn’t mean we’re abandoning them. Having this understood ahead of time will hopefully avoid some of the issues. Also, be open to re-evaluating this down the line, too. It will allow for a sense of control for all involved.
Try to avoid dismissive comments like, “It could have been worse” or “It’s ok, you just need to get over it”. I have a lifetime of experience with my mum using such comments, and they will only make things worse between you. The whole sticks and stones thing is wrong; words stay with you forever. Thus, be mindful of what we say and how we say it.
Patience and consistency
If we agree to things to help them recover from their fear of abandonment, then it’s important to be consistent with that. Healing from fear of abandonment takes time and consistent effort.
Internal resources
While reassurance from others is helpful, the ultimate goal is to help them develop internal resources and self-reliance so they are not solely dependent on us or others for their sense of security. Help them expand their social support network, explore their independence, and enjoy hobbies and interests of their own.
Summary
Managing intense feelings of fearing being abandoned requires a combination of self-awareness, emotional regulation skills, and often, professional support. When these feelings are overwhelming, they can lead to distress, relationship problems, and a diminished quality of life.
Overcoming a fear of abandonment is a complex process that often benefits significantly from professional therapeutic interventions. A multi-faceted approach, addressing the roots of the fear, current coping mechanisms, and relational patterns, is typically most effective.
Managing intense feelings of fearing abandonment is a journey of self-discovery and healing. Healing from a fear of abandonment is a process, but with dedicated effort, the right tools, and appropriate support, it’s possible to build healthier relationships and a more secure sense of self. Combining these suggestions (and maybe therapy) can help us gradually dismantle the fear of abandonment, build a stronger sense of self, and cultivate healthier, more secure relationships.
As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with a fear of abandonment in the comments section below as well. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.
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References
Cohen, S. E. (2024, September). How sexual abuse affects future relationships if it’s untreated. Sandra Cohen PhD. Retrieved https://sandracohenphd.com/sexual-abuse-affects-relationships.
Fritscher, L. (2024, July). Understanding fear of abandonment. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741.
Gupta, S. (2023, March). How to deal with abandonment issues in your relationships. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-deal-with-abandonment-issues-in-relationships-7371412.
Holland, K. & Cherney, K. (2025, April). Identifying and managing abandonment issues. Healthline. Retrieved https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/abandonment-issues.
Matejko, S. (2022, May). Understanding object constancy in borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Psych Central. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder.
Newport Institute. (2025, August). Fear of abandonment in young adults: What it means and how to heal. Newport Institute. Retrieved from https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/fear-of-abandonment.
Palihawadana, V., Broadbear, J. H., & Rao, S. (2019). Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder. Australasian Psychiatry, 27(1), 60-63. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Venura-Palihawadana-3/publication/328797200_Reviewing_the_clinical_significance_of_’fear_of_abandonment‘_in_borderline_personality_disorder/links/639e8ed0024dc52c8a2b9e8f/Reviewing-the-clinical-significance-of-fear-of-abandonment-in-borderline-personality-disorder.pdf.
Pietrangelo, A. (2019, February). What is fear of abandonment, and can it be treated?. Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-abandonment.
Villines, Z. (2023, November). What to know about abandonment issues. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/abandonment-issues.
Wolchik, S. A., Tein, J. Y., Sandler, I. N., & Doyle, K. W. (2002). Fear of abandonment as a mediator of the relations between divorce stressors and mother–child relationship quality and children’s adjustment problems. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 30(4), 401-418. Retrieved https://www.academia.edu/73704822/Fear_of_Abandonment_as_a_Mediator_of_the_Relations_Between_Divorce_Stressors_and_Mother_Child_Relationship_Quality_and_Childrens_Adjustment_Problems and https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1015722109114.
Zerubavel, N., Messman-Moore, T. L., DiLillo, D., & Gratz, K. L. (2018). Childhood sexual abuse and fear of abandonment moderate the relation of intimate partner violence to severity of dissociation. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(1), 9-24. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6107937/pdf/nihms1501549.pdf.
