We’ve all been there: at work, slogging through emails while juggling multiple other tasks and open tabs, when the dreaded thought enters in: “Did I accidentally hit ‘reply-all’ on that not-so-professional-sounding stream of consciousness meant just for one specific friend?” Almost instantly comes the flood of thoughts: “You … (insert favourite harsh adjective here).” “How could I be so careless?” “I’m a failure.” “I should be fired.” This cascade of negative self-talk is as common an experience as it is debilitating.
In contrast, I’m reminded of my six-year-old niece, who, from a young age, developed a habit that was both simple and profound. Whenever she spilled her drink or dropped something by accident, she’d look at the adults in the room and calmly state, “That’s okay.” How powerful is such a simple statement that serves to disarm criticism and frustration and invite compassion, even playfulness. There is an example here that I think we, as adults, can adopt during the holy season of Lent.
Lent Beyond the External
Lent is the forty-day period leading up to Easter and is traditionally observed by Christians as a time of prayer, repentance, fasting, and “alms-giving” or generosity towards those in need. It is a common practice in many Chrisitan traditions during this season to “give something up for Lent,” often including things like alcohol, sweets, or types of media. This Lenten sacrifice has many meanings, and is undertaken to unite us with Jesus and his time of fasting and prayer in the wilderness, as well as with the suffering of all people, and to learn that we can make do with less than we think. While these external sacrifices can be meaningful and helpful, they can also tend to put the focus on outward behaviours (not to mention how often we struggle to keep them throughout the season). Moreover, we can lose sight of the deeper, interior transformation that is more important and longer lasting.
Lent is not merely about denying ourselves external comforts but the fostering of a deeper “conversion of the heart.” One dimension of this conversion that can easily be overlooked is the internal voices that can dominate us and take away our peace. Perhaps this season of Lent can be for us a time to listen more closely to the chorus of internal voices, and recognize and reject (or “fast from”) patterns that create obstacles to encountering the authentic and loving voice of God—a voice characterized by kindness, compassion, and curiosity.
The Tyranny of the “Shoulds”
Many of us are familiar with the oppressive nature of the “shoulds” in our lives, called by psychologist Karen Horney the “Tyranny of the Shoulds.” Some of these sound like:
- “I should be further along.”
- “I should feel differently.”
- “I shouldn’t still be struggling with this.”
- ”I should be a better Christian.”
- “I should have known better.”
- “I should be a more patient parent, friend, or spouse.”
This tyrannical inner critic can be as relentless as it is soul-deadening. This tyranny fosters feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. How crucial it is to recognize that this voice of condemnation is not the voice of God. God’s voice is gentle, kind, encouraging, and invitational: He always brings us to growth through love, not through fear or shame. In the face of the discouragement we can feel from this tyranny, Pope Francis writes that “Hope is born when you are able to experience that all is not lost; and for this to happen it is necessary to start ‘at home,’ to begin with yourself. Not everything is lost. I am not lost; I am worth something, I am worth a lot.”1
Thinking of Jesus from a slightly different perspective can help with this. In the Gospel of Matthew we read the parable of noticing the speck in our neighbour’s eye while overlooking the log or plank in our own eye. While it can be easy to hear in Jesus’ voice a tone of condemnation or severity, I wonder if he is perhaps being playful. It is, after all, a rather silly image he uses—can you imagine walking around with a log in your eye and not noticing? I wonder if he is instead offering a playful, gentle approach to us when we get caught up in our tyranny of judgement and condemnation. Perhaps we can imagine him with a smirk, gently prodding us, inviting us to not take ourselves too seriously.
Clearing the Way for God’s Voice
Sr. Josephine Garret recently published a journal for Lent called Wilderness Within: A Guided Lent Journal for Prayer and Meditation in which she reflects upon the role of the “desert” or “wilderness” of the Lenten season, of fasting and the need to clear out space for God to bring order, life, and abundance—from the wilderness to the Garden. So often our own internal self-criticism gets in the way of the authentic and compassionate voice of God.
Perhaps during this season of Lent, instead of becoming overly focused on external sacrifices, let us attend to our interior life and recognize and root out tyrannical self-criticism. When we notice the voices of condemnation or the tyranny of the shoulds, let us pause and remind ourselves that this is not God’s voice. God speaks to us with kindness, compassion, and often, a gentle sense of humor.
[1] National Catholic Reporter Online. “Pope’s Quotes: Begin With Yourself.” Last modified March 29, 2017. https://www.ncronline.org/blogs/francis-chronicles/popes-quotes-begin-yourself.
Cover photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
Fr. Bryan Duggan, PsyD, MDiv
Fr. Bryan was born and raised in Burnaby, BC, and was ordained to the priesthood in 2011 for the Archdiocese of Vancouver. After five years of ministry as a priest he began studying for a doctorate in clinical psychology at Divine Mercy University near Washington D.C. Now, in addition to his ministry as a priest, he is licensed clinical psychologist in B.C. He works in various roles including providing psychological services within the Archdiocese of Vancouver as well as teaching at the Seminary of Christ the King and St. Mark’s College. Teaching pastoral counselling to future ministry and leaders is a particular interest for him because of the practical and beneficial impact these skills can have for those to whom we minister.
