As an adult, dealing with an overbearing mother can feel like an impossible challenge. If you are reading this, you may be familiar with exactly what that means. She doesn’t approve of your significant other or your friends. She comments on everything from your hairstyle to your weight, and even your personal life. She constantly adds her two cents about your interior decorating, driving, and sense of style, and implies you aren’t a good child if you go more than 24 hours without calling her. This constant intrusion can make it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries and can feel emotionally exhausting.
Chances are, your mother’s behavior is nothing new. You may have dealt with her controlling style of parenting as a child. But now that you are an adult and living on your own, it’s likely that her behavior has gotten worse. Her attempts to control various aspects of your life, such as your relationships, career, and personal decisions, can feel overwhelming. This intrusive behavior often leads to emotional strain and a lack of personal space.
Understanding Overbearing Mothers
Understanding overbearing mothers begins with recognizing the patterns of overbearing behavior and how they shape children’s lives, even into adulthood. Overbearing mothers often display controlling behavior, which may stem from their own anxieties, fears, or a deep desire to protect their children. This can show up as constant criticism, unsolicited advice, and a disregard for personal boundaries.
For many adult children, these behaviors can lead to low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, and even emotional manipulation (Kou, 2022). The impact of overbearing parenting on mental health and overall well-being is significant, often resulting in challenges with self-confidence and forming healthy relationships. By acknowledging the underlying causes of overbearing behavior, such as a mother’s own upbringing or unmet emotional needs, individuals can begin to develop strategies for setting clear boundaries and fostering healthier, more respectful relationships.
Signs of an Overbearing Mother
Recognizing the signs of an overbearing mother is the first step toward change. Overbearing mothers often exert excessive control over their children’s lives, offering constant criticism and rarely respecting personal boundaries. Emotional manipulation is another common sign, with guilt or anger used to sway decisions or maintain influence. These mothers may be overprotective, insist on being involved in every aspect of their children’s lives, and struggle to accept their children’s independence.
As a result, children may feel suffocated, unheard, and undervalued, which can have lasting effects on their self-esteem and emotional well-being. Identifying these signs of an overbearing parenting style is crucial for anyone seeking to break free from unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships.
The Effects of Having an Overbearing Mother
Feeling angry, frustrated, or anxious when you’re around your mother, or right after talking with her, are just a few of the damaging effects of an overbearing mother. Unfortunately, that behavior can be extremely harmful, especially if you have been dealing with your mother’s behavior for most of your life. The negative impacts of helicopter parenting can follow a child well into adulthood, affecting every aspect of the child’s life. Over-involvement from a parent, where they excessively interfere in decisions and daily activities, can significantly hinder a child’s independence, making it more likely that they will develop an anxiety disorder (Affrunti & Ginsburg, 2011).
When a parent is overbearing, overprotective, or controlling, it can lessen the child’s ability to make their own decisions, resulting in a dependency on the parent. Codependency at a young age is detrimental as it deters the child from making independent choices as they grow (Luebbe et al., 2016). The parent-child relationship in this context can negatively affect the child’s development and self-esteem. As an adult, they should be operating separately from their parents and know how to make their own decisions. However, overbearing parents can undermine their children’s confidence in their own judgment, leading to indecisiveness and self-doubt. Children of overbearing mothers are prone to having low self-esteem, suffering from mental health disorders, and feeling uncomfortable in leadership positions. This overbearing influence can broadly impact children’s lives, affecting their emotional well-being and autonomy. All of these can have a negative, lasting effect on the child, damaging their quality of life that can carry over into adulthood. Overbearing parenting can also limit a child’s ability to function independently and make sound decisions as an adult (Bradley-Geist & Olson-Buchanan, 2014).
Studies show that helicopter parenting can influence the way a child regulates their emotions, communicates effectively with others, and forms social bonds as they grow up. These fundamental skills are essentially robbed from them because of the parents’ tight grasp. Trying to meet their mother’s expectations can create anxiety or perfectionism in children, as they strive for approval and fear making mistakes (Perry et al., 2018).
Overbearing mothers can also negatively affect romantic relationships in adulthood, making it difficult to form healthy intimate connections. Early family dynamics like these can lead to unhealthy relationships later in life, as individuals struggle with boundaries and self-assertion. The impact extends to interpersonal relationships in general, affecting the ability to build independent and healthy connections. These vital skills are ones a person needs to operate independently in nearly every life setting, from school and the workplace to friendships. The importance of emotional health cannot be overstated in overcoming these challenges and achieving resilience.
Parenting Style and Mother’s Behavior
The parenting style adopted by an overbearing mother can deeply affect a child’s emotional well-being and sense of self. An authoritarian parenting style, marked by strict rules and high expectations but little emotional responsiveness, often leaves children feeling unheard and unappreciated. Some overbearing mothers may also display narcissistic traits, using their children to fulfill their own emotional needs rather than supporting their children’s growth. This dynamic can make children feel responsible for their mother’s happiness, overshadowing their own needs and desires. Understanding the roots of a mother’s behavior and her approach to parenting is essential for adult children who want to address the effects of overbearing parenting and work toward healthier relationships and improved well-being.
Tips for Dealing With an Overbearing Mother
So, what do you do? You know she loves you, and you love her, but something has to give. You don’t want to cut ties, but you don’t deserve to feel guilty and angry after every conversation. Remember, making your own choices is essential for fostering independence and emotional well-being. The following tips may help make the mother-child dynamic healthier for everyone. Striving for a balanced relationship through mutual respect can lead to more supportive interactions. Additionally, establishing healthy boundaries is crucial to protecting your well-being and promoting positive communication.
Communicate in a New Way
Up until now, you’ve probably done more listening than communicating. But it’s time to start vocalizing to your mother how you feel. Although it will be difficult at first, and even if you’ve tried before, let her know that her behavior is crossing the line. Developing strong communication skills will help you navigate these difficult conversations more effectively.
This time, communicate in a new way using “I-statements” (“I feel” or “I would like”). She is less likely to feel attacked if she begins each statement with “I” rather than “You.” For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you tell me what to do” is likely to elicit a better response than “You need to stop telling me what to do.” Additionally, considering your mother’s perspective can foster empathy and understanding, making it easier to reach common ground.
If confronting your mother alone feels like it may be too difficult, bring a sibling, friend, or even your partner with you to help move the conversation along. Chances are, if your mother is overbearing to you, she is also overbearing to others. Her behavior is not only negatively affecting you, but those in your life as well. It cannot continue, and effectively communicating that with her is the first step.
When communicating, highlight how you feel and avoid accusatory language. The more open, honest, and respectful your tone and words, the more you will open up the dialogue between the two of you. Often, when people are angry or frustrated, they bury their feelings. This is the time to maturely let out your feelings and open up with a healthy dialogue so you can get your life back. Managing your emotional responses during these conversations is key to maintaining control and fostering a productive discussion.
Create Realistic Boundaries
If your overbearing mother doesn’t respond well to your attempts to communicate your feelings, then it’s time to set some boundaries. An overbearing mother or an overbearing mother-in-law may show up unannounced at your house, work, or a party to which they weren’t invited. This kind of behavior invades your personal space and can make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.
It’s time for that to stop by putting your foot down. Learning to set boundaries is essential to protecting your autonomy and emotional well-being. Physically setting boundaries as well as lessening the amount of input your mother has in your life and the decisions you make is important. Controlling mothers often struggle to relinquish control, making it even more necessary to assert your independence. It’s time to kindly, yet firmly, tell your overbearing mother that you are an adult and will make decisions according to what is best for your needs. This is the time to remind your mother that you have your own life and a family of your own now. Explain to her that they rely on you to decide and act on what you believe is in their best interests, and there’s no one, including her, who is better equipped to do that.
Consider Your Mother’s Mental Health
Any mother will tell you that parenting isn’t easy. It doesn’t come with a how-to manual, and many parents get their parenting style based on how they were raised by their parents, even if their parents didn’t have the best systems in place. Sometimes, narcissistic parents may display overbearing or controlling tendencies that deeply affect their children. Throw in the stress of work, society, and everyday pressure, and some days feel nearly impossible.
If your mother had an overbearing parent or was raised in a controlling household, there is a good chance that her parenting style stems from that. Overbearing mothers often try to control their own children in similar ways, perpetuating a cycle of control and anxiety. Perhaps she has never gotten help. It is also possible that she is among the millions of people with an untreated mental health condition. Recognizing patterns in your mother’s behavior can help you better understand her actions and their impact on your emotional well-being.
She might be emotionally unstable and anxious, and feel the need to have control whenever possible. Her emotional growth may have been stunted as well. There are ways to let her know she is needed and that her input is valuable. Let her know how much she is loved and how it hurts you that she is struggling with so much anxiety. This may be a huge turning point, especially if she is depressed. Offer to help her by showing how simple it is to get help from a professional. The various therapy treatments, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), may help.
Discover What You Love
It’s time to stop looking to your mother for approval and begin to cultivate your own interests. Start finding more activities, social events, hobbies, and friendships apart from your mother. Try something new, particularly that activity that your mom always said you’d never be successful doing.
Did she tell you your athletic abilities were lacking because she didn’t want you to get hurt? Join a local social sports team. Did she tell you you were terrible at math or science simply because she didn’t like it? Join a local robotics team or take a coding class. Have your partner or close friend join you if you’re feeling nervous. The point is to get out of your comfort zone to develop the skills you never knew you had. By engaging in ventures of your own, without your mother’s involvement and her opinions, you will begin to discover who you are, which can help your mental health. It’s important to forge your own path, even when facing external pressures or expectations, so you can build true independence and personal growth.
Develop Strategies to Cope
How do you cope after an angry phone call with your mother or a frustrating visit? Some people turn to alcohol or other substances to numb their feelings. Others may attempt self-harm because the mental anguish is just too great to bear. Negative coping mechanisms are not healthy. Consider going for a run, calling a good friend, or baking to help mitigate the symptoms of depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety that often accompany dealing with a controlling mother. Meditation, yoga, and other mindfulness practices can help you deal with frustration and anger. Seeking practical advice from support groups or professionals can also provide valuable guidance and actionable steps for managing these challenges.
Seek Outside Help
Dealing with a controlling and overbearing mother is difficult, whether you are a teenager in high school or the CEO of a company, but it shouldn’t take over your life. Even with the above tips to help make the situation better, often the best way is through therapy. You might need to treat underlying mental health conditions you may have as a part of the process of learning how to deal with your mother.
While the relationship between a mother and child is complex, it is valuable enough to consider improving, even at a great cost. But don’t navigate it alone. A licensed therapist can help you cope with your feelings, communicate with your mother, and overall empower both parties to reach an agreeable resolution. Therapy can also provide emotional support during this process, helping you manage stress and improve your mental well-being. Seeking therapy can help salvage the relationship to bring it to a healthier and stronger place.
Moving Forward
Moving forward from the influence of an overbearing mother is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It starts with acknowledging the impact that overbearing parenting has had on your mental health and well-being, and making a conscious decision to prioritize your own needs. Setting clear boundaries, communicating effectively, and seeking professional support, such as therapy or counseling, can help you address the long-term effects of growing up with an overbearing mother. As you take control of your own life and make choices that reflect your values and desires, you’ll begin to break free from unhealthy patterns and develop a stronger sense of self. This process takes time, patience, and self-compassion, but with commitment, you can cultivate healthier relationships, improve your mental health, and create a more fulfilling, empowered life.
References
- Affrunti, N. W., & Ginsburg, G. S. (2012). Maternal overcontrol and child anxiety: the mediating role of perceived competence. Child psychiatry and human development, 43(1), 102–112. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-011-0248-z
- Bradley-Geist, J. C., & Olson-Buchanan, J. B. (2014). Helicopter parents: an examination of the correlates of over-parenting of college students. Education + Training, 56(4), 314–328. https://doi.org/10.1108/et-10-2012-0096
- Kou, S. (2022). The Relationship between Parenting Style and Self-Esteem in Adolescents. Journal of Education Humanities and Social Sciences, 5, 307–312. https://doi.org/10.54097/ehss.v5i.2923
- Luebbe, A. M., Mancini, K. J., Kiel, E. J., Spangler, B. R., Semlak, J. L., & Fussner, L. M. (2018). Dimensionality of Helicopter Parenting and Relations to Emotional, Decision-Making, and Academic Functioning in Emerging Adults. Assessment, 25(7), 841–857. https://doi.org/10.1177/1073191116665907
- Perry, N. B., Dollar, J. M., Calkins, S. D., Keane, S. P., & Shanahan, L. (2018). Childhood self-regulation as a mechanism through which early overcontrolling parenting is associated with adjustment in preadolescence. Developmental psychology, 54(8), 1542–1554. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000536
- Qin, L., Pomerantz, E. M., & Wang, Q. (2009). Are gains in decision-making autonomy during early adolescence beneficial for emotional functioning? The case of the United States and China. Child development, 80(6), 1705–1721. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01363.x
- Wang Y. (2023). The Influence of Overparenting on College Students’ Career Indecision: A Moderated Mediation Analysis. Psychology research and behavior management, 16, 4569–4582. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S436675
Amanda is a wellness writer & enthusiast with over 12 years experience writing in the industry. She has a bachelors degree in Creative Writing from NYU. She is certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American School of Nutrition & Personal Training. Amanda is also a celebrity publicist.
