Serial monogamy is the practice of frequently entering and exiting committed romantic relationships for a short period of time (generally a few months). For example, your friend might be a serial monogamist if they are always in a relationship, moving from one partner to the next without much time in between. The serial monogamist is not ‘cheating’ on their partners but rather jumping from one relationship to another.
Serial monogamy is not necessarily a bad thing; however, it can sometimes indicate underlying emotional difficulties or unhealthy relationship patterns. Not all serial monogamists follow the same pattern or have the same motivations. Some may not intentionally seek out this pattern, but it develops due to circumstances or personal tendencies.
Basically, serial monogamy is not always a deliberate choice; it can happen naturally as a pattern that has happened over time, rather than being a conscious decision.
Relationships look different for every person and vary among cultures and across the world. In many cultures, marriage and monogamy are expected and represent the norms of the culture. Monogamy is the commitment to be in an emotional and/or physical relationship with only one partner without being in other relationships at the same time. Monogamy is generally considered desirable and is typically expected by partners in a romantic relationship. However, serial monogamists tend to have a series of romantic relationships rather than one that lasts a lifetime.
This contrasts with lifelong monogamy, where the expectation is to remain with one partner for life. Societal views have shifted, and the ability to choose different relationship patterns has increased, especially for women, as societal expectations and economic independence have shifted. Early influences, such as the presence or absence of supportive parents, can also shape these patterns.
The word ‘serial’ in ‘serial monogamist’ simply refers to repeated behavior, much like how the word is used in other contexts. While ‘serial’ can have negative connotations, such as in ‘serial killer,’ in this context, it just means someone who repeatedly enters relationships. The word itself can carry different meanings depending on usage.
Serial monogamists frequently go on dates with new partners but do not want a committed relationship for the long term. They often engage in dating one person at a time, moving sequentially from one relationship to the next. They may date a new partner for only a short period before moving on. The pattern of dating and moving forward quickly means they are rarely single and may find it difficult to stay single for any length of time.
The excitement of a new relationship can feel intense in the moment. After the breakup, they quickly seek out a new partner and start the cycle over again, always looking forward to the future and sometimes becoming engaged in serious relationships, even if they do not last. This cycle can happen unintentionally; for many, serial monogamy just happened as a result of their dating history and emotional needs. Over time, they may have dated many people, building a long history of relationships. It is important to take a rest or break between relationships to process emotions and avoid repeating the same patterns.
For example, a typical serial monogamist might end a relationship, feel lonely, and within weeks be dating someone new, repeating this cycle several times over the years. They are rarely single and may struggle to stay single, often moving quickly from one relationship to the next.
If you suspect you might be a serial monogamist, take a moment to determine and figure out your own relationship patterns and whether this practice is working for you. Consider how your living situation, such as living with parents or roommates, might influence your independence and readiness for long-term commitment.
Signs of a Serial Monogamist
Many people can think of someone they know who may be a serial monogamist. This person always seems to have a new partner and is very serious with all of them at the time of the relationship. Some other signs of serial monogamy include the following:
- A history of many serious relationships
- Falling “in love” quickly
- Feeling uncomfortable when not having a partner
- Making life decisions with a partner quickly
- Being “clingy” to their partner
- Focusing all their attention on the new relationships
- A history of villainizing ex-partners or frequently comparing partners to ex-partners
- Seeking a new partner immediately after a breakup
- Being afraid of long-term commitments
While these signs alone do not necessarily indicate a person is a serial monogamist, they may help to identify a pattern of serial monogamy. Some of these signs may be a concern for healthy relationships, especially if they repeat over time. Certain patterns can become problematic if not addressed, potentially leading to unhealthy relationship cycles. These behaviors can also cause emotional stress, impacting overall well-being. If you notice these signs, it can be helpful to talk about them with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
It’s important to note that serial monogamists are often very serious about each relationship while it lasts. They may have genuinely felt love or fulfillment in each relationship, even if it did not last.
Why Do People Engage in Serial Monogamy?
People who engage in serial monogamy may be described as ‘addicted to love.’ However, it’s more accurate to say they are addicted to the high of a new relationship. New relationships involve excitement, fun, and lust, which is less common in older relationships. It is often called the “honeymoon phase.” During this phase, the new partner can ‘do no wrong,’ and the new relationship is exciting and thrilling.
This excitement activates the reward center in the brain. This reward center releases dopamine in the brain, resulting in feelings of happiness and euphoria (Takahashi et al., 2015). This is the same area of the brain that is activated by drug and gambling addictions. For this reason, serial monogamy is often described as a ‘love addiction.’ A person becomes addicted to the ‘high’ of a new relationship, and when the excitement wears off, they move on to the next relationship in search of the next ‘high.’ Many serial monogamists are actually seeking a long-term relationship, but may move on quickly if their needs for stability and commitment are not met.
Serial monogamy often involves attachment styles that influence how people behave in relationships, shaping emotional and behavioral patterns based on attachment needs and responses.
In addition to the psychological drivers, there may be potential benefits to the practice of serial monogamy, such as increased opportunities for connection or evolutionary advantages like higher fertility and a greater number of children. The desire for a meaningful relationship can also drive this pattern, as individuals seek deeper emotional connections and understanding with their partners.
Relationship Patterns in Serial Monogamy
Serial monogamy is marked by a distinctive relationship pattern: individuals move from one monogamous relationship to another, often with little or no time spent single in between. For many serial monogamists, the idea of being without a partner can feel uncomfortable or even frightening, leading them to seek out a new relationship soon after their previous relationship ends. This pattern is not just about the desire for romance; it can be driven by a complex mix of factors, including a need for emotional support, a longing for validation, or even a fear of being alone.
In a typical serial monogamous relationship, things often progress quickly. The new partner becomes the center of attention, and the relationship may feel intense and passionate from the very beginning. While this can create the sense of a serious relationship, it can also mean that the deeper foundations needed for long-term relationships are not always established. Being interested in a partner’s life, opinions, and history is a sign of readiness for a deeper connection, but this curiosity is sometimes overlooked in the rush to form a new bond. As a result, these relationships may be fulfilling in the short term but struggle to last over time.
For some, serial monogamy is a way to fill an emotional gap or to avoid facing difficult feelings that come with being single. Instead of taking time to process the end of a relationship, a person may jump straight into a new one, seeking comfort and a sense of security from their new partner. Becoming emotionally involved with someone new before fully processing the previous relationship can prevent proper healing. It is important to grieve when a relationship ends, as skipping this step can make it harder to develop a strong sense of self outside of a relationship.
Family members and friends can also play a significant role in shaping these patterns. Serial monogamists may feel pressure from loved ones or from society at large to settle down, get married, or commit to one relationship for the long term. This pressure can create feelings of guilt or anxiety, especially if the person is unsure about what they truly want. Trying to meet the expectations of others can sometimes lead to entering relationships for the wrong reasons, rather than out of genuine desire or connection.
Understanding the underlying factors behind serial monogamy is key to breaking the cycle. It’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience is unique, and there is no single reason why someone might develop this pattern. For some, working with a therapist can be a helpful step in figuring out the root causes of their behavior and learning healthier ways to approach relationships. Therapy can provide support, guidance, and a safe space to process emotions and develop a stronger sense of self.
Ultimately, building a more supportive and understanding community around relationships can help individuals feel less isolated and more empowered to make choices that are right for them. Open conversations about commitment, desire, and the realities of monogamy can foster greater empathy and acceptance. By seeking understanding, both from within and from others, serial monogamists can begin to develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships that truly meet their needs.
Is Serial Monogamy Harmful?
Being in a committed, monogamous relationship is considered a standard expectation in Western culture and many other societies worldwide. So, what is the big deal if a person jumps from one relationship to the next every few months? For many, this pattern can be a concern, as it may indicate underlying issues that affect both partners’ well-being.
The harm of serial monogamy can harm both the serial monogamist and their partners. The partner likely feels a strong connection with the serial monogamist and believes the relationship will last forever, or at least for years to come. However, as the couple encounters (unavoidable) challenges to their relationship, or the newness of the relationship wears off, the serial monogamist will quickly break up with their partner. This pattern can be particularly problematic, as it often prevents both individuals from processing emotional wounds and can lead to repeated cycles of disappointment. The words people use to describe their relationships, such as “just having fun” or “meant to be,” can reveal their true attitudes toward commitment and emotional connection. Of course, this leaves the partner feeling abandoned and hurt, often reluctant to engage with a new partner.
Changing partners every couple of months is harmful to the serial monogamist as well. It takes time to fully get to know someone and open up to them emotionally. By leaving relationships when the excitement wears off, the serial monogamist does not fully allow others into their lives or feel the effects of a secure relationship. For some, this is a protective strategy that allows the serial monogamist to avoid getting hurt and keeps the person from fully committing emotionally and allowing others to know and love them. Frequent and significant life changes, such as moving in together or changing jobs, can also be a sign of serial monogamy, especially when these decisions are made quickly and repeatedly.
Many serial monogamists make big life decisions quickly when they enter into their new relationships. They may make significant changes lives, such as moving in with their partner, changing locations or jobs, or spending less time with their family and friends. These changes further fuel the excitement they experience from the new relationship. When these relationships end, this disrupts both partners’ lives and can be costly and challenging to adjust back. The repeated cycle of breakups and new beginnings can also create ongoing emotional stress, making it harder for individuals to form healthy, lasting connections in the future.
Another risk of serial monogamy, which may not be obvious, is the increased risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). While people often associate this risk with people who have frequent partners or cheat on their partners, it is less evident with a person who engages in serial monogamy. Studies have found that serial monogamist and their partners are at higher risk of transmitting STIs due to the frequent changes of partners and the long-dormant period of some infections (Mercer et al., 2018).
Past Relationships and Personal Growth
Our past relationships play a powerful role in shaping how we approach romantic and monogamous relationships in the present. For serial monogamists, a history of multiple long-term relationships can deeply influence their attachment style, sense of commitment, and the way they connect with one partner at a time. Taking the time to reflect on previous relationships is a crucial step toward personal growth and building healthier relationship patterns.
Serial monogamy often means moving quickly from one committed relationship to the next, but each past relationship leaves its mark. By looking back at the dynamics of these term relationships, serial monogamists can start to recognize patterns, such as why a relationship ended, what drew them to a particular partner, or how they handled conflict and commitment. This kind of self-awareness is key to understanding what works and what doesn’t in their approach to monogamy.
It’s also important to acknowledge the emotional impact of past relationships. Feelings of guilt, regret, or sadness are common, especially if a person feels they haven’t given themselves enough time to heal between relationships. Processing these emotions, rather than pushing them aside, can help serial monogamists break free from problematic cycles and move toward more meaningful relationships. Being aware of these feelings allows individuals to better understand their needs and desires, making it easier to form a truly committed relationship with one partner.
Therapy can be a valuable resource for anyone looking to understand their relationship patterns and attachment style. A therapist provides a safe space to explore the impact of past relationships, work through difficult emotions, and develop strategies for healthier connections. For serial monogamists, therapy can be especially helpful in identifying the underlying reasons behind their relationship patterns and learning how to build more stable, long-term relationships.
Ultimately, recognizing the influence of past relationships is a vital part of personal growth. By embracing self-reflection and seeking support when needed, serial monogamists can develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their approach to romantic relationships. This journey of self-discovery can lead to more fulfilling, lasting connections and a greater sense of satisfaction in their monogamous relationships.
Changing the Pattern of Serial Monogamy
The first step to changing a pattern of serial monogamy is to identify the pattern. If you suspect that you may be a serial monogamist, write down a list of past relationships and the timeframe of each one. Note the reasons the relationship ended and which partner ended the relationship. Notice any patterns that may emerge. Take time to determine if your pattern is healthy or problematic for you. Try to figure out the underlying reasons for your relationship patterns. Identifying a pattern of serial monogamy can help make changes by addressing the underlying issues.
Noticing the pattern of wanting to end the relationship as soon as conflict arises or when the ‘high’ wears off may help confront the problem. The urge to break up when conflict arises may be a defense mechanism to avoid conflict and confrontation. Learning healthy communication strategies, boundaries, and conflict resolution strategies can help work through the challenging times that inevitably come up in all relationships.
Addressing the underlying issues of serial monogamy may require help from a mental health professional. A therapist can help you process and identify the patterns and the origins of these patterns. Early attachment issues may play a role in the pattern as well as addictive tendencies. A therapist can help to process and change the patterns. Consider having a talk with a therapist or a trusted person to discuss your relationship patterns and gain further insight.
In Summary
Serial monogamy may harm both parties in a relationship. The pattern carries risks of an increased possibility of STI diagnosis, limited emotional connection with romantic partners, and a lack of stability. Serial monogamy can impact a person’s mental health as they struggle to connect with others and maintain a stable, healthy relationship. The cycle disrupts the lives of the serial monogamist and their partners.
Therefore, if you suspect that you may be a serial monogamist, it’s best to try and identify your behavior patterns when engaging in a relationship and modify those behaviors that often result in sudden breakups. Changing these patterns may likely require understanding the underlying issues that caused them with the help of a professional therapist.
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Katie is a licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC). She has a passion for healing trauma using body-based somatic therapy. Katie believes that healing trauma and restoring physical and emotional health comes from healing the body and nervous system.
